


Lima, Ohio Woke Up Gay

by cinder1013



Category: Glee
Genre: Crack, F/F, M/M, Woke Up Gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-27
Updated: 2012-05-27
Packaged: 2017-11-06 02:50:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/413897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinder1013/pseuds/cinder1013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seems like everyone in school is turning gay, everyone Kurt touches, and Puck wants to get to the bottom of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lima, Ohio Woke Up Gay

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Woke Up Gay fic, of a sort. It’s meant as crack! I do not think anyone who is gay “has the gay" or will infect anyone with it. 
> 
> Woke Up Gay fics are a relic from when no main characters were ever gay (except for Willow), but I used to love them. You can find more on them here: http://www.dymphna.net/wakeupgay/ and here: http://fanlore.org/wiki/Woke_Up_Gay

“Puck!” Rachel slapped him hard on the chest. 

“Hey, what? Domestic foul, bitch!” 

“Stop looking at Kurt like that!” 

“Like what? I’m trying to figure out what Finn is doing with him.” 

In fact, Finn was leaning closer so he could give Hummel an air kiss, one hovering over each cheek. Hummel smiled and sashayed his way down the hall, off to class. Rachel began to cry. 

“Dude, what the fuck?” Puck asked, walking over. “What are you doing with Hummel? I mean, he’s my bro, but that was decidedly gay, dude.” 

“I know. Isn’t he dreamy?” 

“Dreamy? He’s a fuckin’ guy! Hello? Are you not Finn Hudson? He of ‘I can’t decide between two girls’?” Puck’s head swam. It was like the whole world was turning upside down. 

“I don’t know. It’s just like I woke up today and I ... Kurt is just so cute, you know?” 

“No, I don’t know.” 

“Hey, you want to -”

“No,” Puck growled, “I do not want to go shopping this weekend or whatever other gay thing you’ve come up with.” He watched as Hummel stopped in the hall, laying a familiar hand on a jock’s arm - Kurofsky - and chatting at him amicably. Kurofsky smiled back like he hadn’t been bullying Hummel all year. What kind of insane world was this? Puck pinched himself, but he didn’t wake up. 

“I was going to say, do you want to play Halo, but fine, be that way. I don’t want to be around you and your homophobia.” Finn stalked away. 

“Finnessa? Don’t be that way!” Puck called after him, but Finn just walked faster. 

“Smooth,” Quinn commented as she walked by. Smiling, she gave Santana a little girl wave and Santana actually returned it. Puck hurried to catch up with her. 

“Do you know what’s going on?” 

“Going on?”

“With Finn and Hummel!” 

“Nothing is going on. They’re stepbrothers and they take that very seriously, although, don’t you think they would look hot kissing?” 

“No, I do not!” 

Quinn shrugged. Walking up to Brittany, she said, “You wanna ditch fifth period and go make out under the bleachers?” 

“San says she’d rather I not do that anymore. She says if she catches me doing that again, she’s going to get me a tattoo on my forehead that says Property of Satan, but I don’t want to be Property of Satan because then I can’t get into heaven and be a unicorn with wings like Swift Wind. He had pretty rainbow wings.” 

Quinn nodded along good naturedly. “Hey, Santana, can I make our with your girlfriend?” she called down the hallway. 

“Get your own damn girlfriend!” Santana called back. 

With a heavy sigh, Quinn turned back to Brittany. “You’re right. I won’t do anything that stops you from being a winged unicorn.” 

Brittany jumped up and down with joy, clapping her hands. “I really want to be a unicorn, but I don’t want Voldemort to drink my blood.” 

“Don’t worry. We’ll stop him.” She gave Brittany one of those damn air kisses and moved off down the hall. “What do you think? Think Tina would date me?” she asked Puck. 

“When did you turn gay?” 

“That sounds so ugly,” Quinn complained. “I just, you know...”

“No, I don’t know.” 

She shrugged and walked away, intent on getting to her fifth period class. 

Rachel hunted him down after school and dragged him into the empty choir room. It was Monday, so there was no Glee practice today. “What did Quinn say to you?” she demanded. 

“Some pretty fucked up stuff.” 

“Did she say she ...” Rachel twirled her hair and did a little shimmy of her hips. “That she liked me perhaps?” 

“Not you too!” Backing away, Puck ran for it. Something was happening, he didn’t know what and he was starting to think he didn’t want to find out. The world wasn’t just turning upside-down, he was in Kansas or Oz or something, whatever it was. 

Looking down the hallway, he saw Hummel walking away, his arm around Sam and Sam’s arm around him. God, they had their hands in each others back pockets! Stopping at Finn’s locker again, Hummel fairly shoved Sam at his brother. Stumbling into one another, the two boys laughed, their noses rubbing against one another. 

Hummel clapped his hands, giddy with delight. Spotting Puck, he ran to him. “Did you see? I am a total cupid, right?” Sam and Finn tentatively kissed and Hummel squealed with delight. “Did you see?” Grabbing Puck’s arm, he squealed even harder, jumping up and down. “It’s like everyone I touch turns gay!” 

Puck ripped his arm away. 

Kurt huffed at him. “It’s not actually. I mean, people can’t catch the gay,” he told him with big air quotes. “You’re such a Neanderthal.” With a toss of his head, Kurt stalked off. 

Puck rushed off to scrub whatever Kurt had off his arm. 

Obviously it didn’t help because the next day, leaning against his locker, he couldn’t pull his eyes away from Kurt’s ass. Tight ass bouncing down the hallway. 

Sam settled against the locker next to him. “I know right? If I wasn’t in love, I’d totally be after that. Some lucky guy is going to –“

“Shut up!” Puck pulled away, frustrated with himself. Stomping down the hallway on his way to English, he growled at a few freshman. It didn’t make him feel better the way it usually did. Perhaps sleeping through some Oscar Wylde would. 

Instead he found himself reading the biographical information at the back of the book, fascinated. Bounding up to the desk at the end of the period, he grinned at Mrs. Haversham. “He was gay. The dude was totally gay.”

“Indeed he was, Mr. Puckerman. Is there something you need?” 

“I mean, it just must have been so hard on the dude, right?”

“Certainly. It was illegal in his time.”

“That so sucks.” 

Mrs. Haversham smiled at him. “Perhaps you’d like to do a report on Mr. Wylde for the class? I’ll give you extra credit.” 

“Totally! Thanks Mrs. H!” Puck gave the bemused woman a fist bump and then made his way over to his locker. Along the way he saw boy and boy and girl and girl engaged in various forms of flirtation, from simple smiles to heavy lip-lock. 

Kurt was at his locker and Puck changed his trajectory. “Dude! Did you know Oscar Wylde was like gay?”

“I did actually.” 

“I think you’re turning the whole school gay with your gay magic.” 

“Puck!” Kurt slammed his locker closed. “I was just kidding! There is no ‘gay’ to catch!” 

“Well, I’m gay now and I totally wasn’t before, so there must be.” 

Kurt slapped a hand over his mouth. “Oh no.” 

“What?”

“This is my fault.” He looked around to make sure no one they knew was close and then stepped well into Puck’s personal space. “This is my fault, Noah. I wished on a star that all of Lima would be gay so they would, you know, understand.” He looked so distressed, Puck just wanted to kiss all the sadness away – which he leaned in to do, but Kurt stopped him. “I can’t do this, Noah. It’d be rape.” 

“’s not rape. Can’t rape the willing, dude.” 

“But I … I …”

“Look, if you did do this thing, which I actually think you did, so let’s say you did – then there’s no undoing it, dude. I mean, how could you? But even if you could, I wouldn’t want you to. When I was straight, dude, I was a total manwhore. Now I just want to be your whore.” 

Kurt stared at him for a moment, licked his lips, started to say something, then stared some more. Finally he said, “I am flattered and I think I’ll take you up on that. Without the me being a pimp implications.” 

Puck laughed and dragged Kurt close, kissing him, because hey, being gay was working out just fine.


End file.
